Congratulations on landing yourself a brand new boyfriend. Isn’t he cute? I’m sure you’re very happy and extremely pleased with yourself. After all, why shouldn’t you be? You’ve done everything right. You’ve been beautiful, charming, light hearted and a lot of fun. You’ve laughed at all his jokes. No doubt you’ve been over to the house to play Wii. I’m sure you’ve had your ass kicked in bowling. You've bonded with his cats. You may even have held out on the sex until the third date. Good for you – I must say it’s more than I managed to do.

But why should you hold out? He’s wonderful. Funny, tall, handsome, brilliant, and seemingly ambitious. Everything you ever thought you wanted. And I’ll bet he’s making you feel beautiful. Has he bought you flowers yet to tell you that last weekend was “one of the best weekends of [his] life”? (apparently that’s a trademark move – who knew?) Are you feeling like the most wonderful woman in the world? Are you feeling special? Enjoy it while you can.

Let me quickly introduce myself. Up until two weeks ago, I was the Russian’s girlfriend. Yes, we may have been on a ‘break’ but I assure you, I was there. So imagine my shock when I learned about YOU yesterday morning! Now don’t worry – I promise not to go Kelly Clarkson on your ass. But I stumbled upon some enlightening facts yesterday evening that I felt compelled to share .

After a conversation with two very old acquaintances (who are also ex’s of our dear man) as painful as it might have been – I learned things about your boyfriend that I never knew before. His M.O., his operating style – and let me tell you honey, special ain’t got nothing to do with it. Even our breakup was nothing remotely unique.

As you may or may not know, our dear Russian has no problem with monogamy. In fact, the man is a relationship addict, a serial monogamist falling in and out of love the way most men fall in and out of barstools and football seasons. And the man’s intense. Has he looked into your eyes, lightly placed his hand on your cheek and said softly, ‘I love you, New Girl’? Has he listed all the things he loves about your relationship? Does he write you emails at 3 a.m. because he can’t sleep and he needs to tell you about how wonderful you are and how his life really feels like its starting to come together now that you’re in it? Maybe he’s even cried a little. Aww – he’s so sensitive!

I hate to break it to you, New Girl but I’ve gotta tell ya - he’s said it all before. And most likely, he’ll say it all again. Please know that whether he realizes it or not, these gestures are hardly unique even to a woman who i'm sure is truly as ‘special’ as yourself.

But don’t worry pretty lady – it gets better. You’re about to have one of the most enjoyable relationships of your life. You'll be integrated into every part of his life. Into everything he does. You’ll undoubtedly get to meet his friends. That should be a treat. You’ll get to see his hometown, look at his childhood pictures, watch movies, go to sporting events, hear all his childhood stories (I understand the one with the flags is particularly popular), walk around the ‘diamond district’ of Philadelphia and talk about ‘someday’ while you snuggle and hold hands and smile until your face hurts and he introduces you to your first ‘Philly Cheese Steak’. I’m sure you’ve been skiing. Has he charmed your parents yet? Good luck with his mother. She’s a wonderful, brilliant and very discerning lady…so I’d imagine she’s going to see right through this bullshit.

I’m sorry to tell you, but I think you should know, that you’re just one of many. And that one day, out of the blue, with no warning, he will become a little colder and a little more distant. And then he’ll tell you that his soul is leading him in a direction that doesn’t involve you (this is also evidently a trademarked phrase). That he needs space. That you’re ‘not the one’. It will smack you over the head like the business end of a two by four. And it will hurt. But if its any consolation, which I doubt it is, he's said it to us all before.

The tears will abate and you’ll start to feel better until about six weeks later (because, let’s be honest – the man can’t exist for more than 2 months alone) you’ll cry again. Because you’ll find out that he’s seeing someone new. And all of a sudden, you will feel betrayed. And lied to – because he told you that he didn’t want a relationship. And he didn’t want to get serious – and it wasn’t about the other women, it was just something he ‘had to do’. And you will feel so very, very insignificant because you were stupid enough to believe that you really were that special. And all of this was for you – and you alone. And that the fairytale of your life was coming together and working out so much better than you could ever imagine. And you will be amazed – so, so amazed that you could be that happy with someone so full of shit. (There's a reason the man's not on friendly terms with any of his ex's - think about it).

But its ok – I’m told by others in this ex-Russian love sorority that you’ll survive. And you’ll realize what a huge bullet you actually dodged. You’ll wake up and understand that there men out there that not only KNOW what they want but recognize something wonderful when they have it and will actually work hard to keep it, but that there are also men out there who do a great many things you thought you could live without or in spite of while you were in this relationship.

So there you have it, New Girl. For now he's checked his rather hefty amount of baggage onto your airplane and frankly, you're welcome to it. I doubt it will fit neatly into the overhead compartment but I'm sure you'll make room. I’m sorry to be the bearer of the truth, but honestly, I wish my newfound sorority sisters had sat me down and had this talk back in February. Though I doubt I would have listened – because, after all, I was “the special one.”

Sincerely,

The other half of the relationship your boyfriend labeled  ‘most significant and important relationship of his life’

i.e.

P.S. Be ready to receive some See’s Candy for Valentine’s Day while you hear all about his childhood in California. Especially for you, being so special and all.