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Welcome to my world: A world in which I am still finding my way and my voice; where the language is laced with dry humor; where stilettos and football games go together like peas and carrots; where happy hour starts long before 5; where I make mistakes, get angry and laugh my ass off; where I will never love anything as much as I love my cat; where no one knows your name and you like it that way; where comments are welcome and where strong women who fight for what they believe in are always adored.
Frankly,
On My Mind
Six Months of Short Sentences
Letter from my Father [Part 2]
My Greatest Fans
Brick Walls & Picket Lines
Kindred Spirits (Part One)
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Silent Shades of Lazy Greys
By way of an update for you: The Russian has chosen to ignore the communication sanctions put in place two weeks ago. He txted me last Friday night to say….I’m not sure what he had to say actually. Something along the lines of ….he had read my blog (I think he was mildly irritated at the new date entry, though he may claim otherwise*), and that I shouldn’t feel obligated to call him but that he hopes I’m doing well and he still doesn’t know what he wants.
Clear as the face of a 13 year old with chronic acne, right?
So we are communicating, albeit sporadically, again.
And I honestly can’t tell you how I feel about it or him or anything really at the moment.** But there's actually been far too much going on to dwell on this particular situation all THAT much. (Attention to one's own head injuries tend to come first apparently).
So here we are, …not sure where HERE is, or where I’m supposed to go now, but hopefully if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don’t get mugged along the way…I’ll get there eventually.
Ever so frankly,
** Well, that’s not entirely true, and those non-soviets wishing to read the gory details, should email me if you’d like.
Friday, December 14, 2007
S & M: Not Half As Fun As It Used To Be
First things first – a number of you have been very asky about the date – thank you for your interest…it was lovely. First of all, I MUST say, that I looked smashing. (yes, I said ‘smashing’). The dress was perfect – and looked soooo good now that I'm on the downward slope of weight loss – it just does wonders for one’s self esteem.
Anywhoo – the Golfer, as always was the perfect date and gentleman. With his soap star good looks, and charming, outgoing personality, he was quite the hit with everyone. It was a nice distraction and we planned on getting together at Brickskeller (which is where we always seem to hang out together) sometime early in the New Year. I told ya’ll this was not a long or even short term potential relationship – he’s just a great date, we have a lot of fun together, and that’s about as far as it goes.
I was actually going to take quite a different direction with this post (as you might gather from the title). However, after much consideration – I don’t think I’m going to be QUITE as open as originally intended. The basic jist of the post would have been something along the lines of the lengths to which I’m torturing myself either trying NOT to think of the Russian, or thinking about him so incessantly I think my head might explode.
It really is amazing that even when someone completely shatters your heart, it’s still possible to love them with all the little tiny pieces. It appears, dear reader, that silence is not as golden as origionally intended. I know it was my decision, and I think, most likely, the correct course of action – even though he’s probably forgotten all about me by now, having not spoken to me in 6 days he’s probably already fallen in love with someone else and never wants to see me again…(SEE that’s where the crazy comes in!).
So the silence is literally driving me mad. And the kicker? The insanity and pain is all self inflicted (hence the S&M reference) – and it was torture TALKING to him but not hearing what I wanted to hear! (SEE – AGAIN with the crazy!) And the vicious cycle continues ad nauseam, ad infinitum.
This is truly a new departure from sanity, even for me.
Ok, so things I will do over the next few days to help me forget about this ridiculous lose/lose situation I’ve gone and flung myself into:
- Go out with XO for drinks. Today would have been her 4th year anniversary had she not gotten a divorce (Which really was the best decision for all concerned seeing as how she was married to the evangelical Christian man with no soul)
- Go drink Mimosas with Mr. & Mrs. Dewy Beach and friends pre-partying for the Santa Stumble
- Continue to clean my apartment – it seems to be a never ending battle.
- Yoga…lots of Yoga.
- Go Christmas shopping for mother.
- Continue to consume large quantities of alcohol.
- Go to my college’s holiday reception and hope and pray no one asks me about the Russian.
- Get a Pedi/Mani (in desperate need of pampering)
Please feel free to provide additional suggestions as to ways in which to fill my time. They would be most appreciated.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Auditory Therapy
I’ve found music to be quite cathartic over the past couple weeks. The best musicians are the ones that have captured your feelings exactly, bottled them and recreated these emotions in such a way that you feel they were written specifically for you, about your situation or speaking to ease your pain. In that context, it’s comforting I suppose to know that heartache, relationship mistakes, the urge to move on, anger, and general pissed-offedness are somewhat universal.
So the following contains a selection of songs that oscillate with my mood. The first play list is for the “woe is me…I’m so sad…I’ll never love anyone else” mood. Which, at any given time can morph into the “Fuck you, I’m fabulous and you’re an idiot” mood. The songs also list a few choice lyrics that make the selection particularly fabulous.
So for your musical edification and listening/ranting/crying pleasure, I give you “Scarlett's Ultimate Heartache Playlist Vols. 1 & 2”
Sad/I want him back/Why doesn’t he love me? Songs:
1. Just Like A Star (Corinne Bailey Rae) (This one is the Russian’s and my song – and so it makes me cry)
2. Goodbye To You (Michele Branch) ~ It feels like I'm starting all over again; the last three years were just pretend. ~ And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time....
3. Driver’s Seat (DHT) ~ News is blue; has no way to get to you; what can I do, when I remember my time with you...
4. Every Time it Rains (Charlotte Martin) ~ I’m willing to admit I tried too hard, Stop playing with my heart, I’m waiting by the phone, Afraid to be myself, Afraid to be alone...
5. A World Without You (Beth Hart) ~ Was it yesterday? I don’t know; Was I dreaming? Or did I lose everything I believed in? If you could only see what I see – Every time you leave...
6. Heavily Broken (The Veronicas) ~ When there’s nothing left to say, what can you do...
7. There’s A Fine, Fine Line (Avenue Q Soundtrack) ~ There’s a fine, fine line; between ‘you’re wonderful’ and ‘goodbye’...
8. I Go Crazy (DHT) ~ Just when I thought I was over you; I see your face and it just ain't true...
9. Will You Love Me Tomorrow (Carole King) ~ Tonight with words unspoken, you say that I’m the only one, but will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun...
10. The Part Where You Let Go (Hem)
11. What Hurts the Most (Rascal Flatts) (This entire song speaks to the broken hearted)
12. When It All Falls Apart (The Veronicas) ~ I’m having the day from hell, it was all going so well; And you told me you needed space, with a kiss on the side my face; And not to mention the tears I shed, but I should have kicked your ass instead...
13. Big Girls Don’t Cry (Fergie) ~ And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket; But I’ve got to get a move on with my life; It’s time to be a big girl now: And big girls don’t cry...
14. Hard To Say I’m Sorry (
Chicago) (Wishful thinking – music to torture yourself by)
Angry/He’s a Fuckhead/I’m fabulous Songs:
1. Untouchable Face (Ani Difranco) (Otherwise known as the “Fuck You” Song – very appropriate)
2. Since U Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson) ~ You had your chance you blew it, Out of sight, out of mind; Shut your mouth I just can’t take it; Again and again and again and again...
3. You Had Me (Joss Stone) ~ Hey listen you’ll be missin; Out on all my love and my kissing; Make your mistakes on your own time...
4. Life Goes On (LeAnne Rimes) ~ Life goes on; And it’s only gonna make me strong; It’s a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cause you can’t go back. ~ Oh and it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right; Where I’m at, is my life before me; And this feeling that I can’t go back...
5. Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds) ~ So you wanted to take a break; Slow it down and have some space; Well fuck you too!
6. Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood) (Every ‘wronged girl’s’ fantasy)~ I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive; Carved my name into his leather seats; I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires; - Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats...
7. Stronger (Britney Spears) ~ ‘Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday, Now it’s nothing but my way, My loneliness ain’t killing me no more; Cause I’m stronger!
8. Never Again (Kelly Clarkson) ~ Does it hurt to know I’ll never be there: Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere; It was you who chose to end it like you did: I was the last to know. ~And don’t say, you simply lost your way; She may believe you but I never will; Never again...
9. It’s Just Me (Kina) ~ Life; Got kinda hard, I faced it; Fought and cried and almost gave in; All negative forces faded; Love of me just walked right in. ~ I’m just me, I’m enough; With my self, I’m in love; I’ve been weak, I’ve been low; Made me strong, now I know; I’m just me, I’m enough; Nothin less, nothing more; I wish everybody could just feel this kind of love...
10. Keep Breathing (Ingrid Michaelson) ~I want to change the world…instead I sleep; I want to believe in more than you and me...
11. ‘Cuz I Can (Pink)~ You know I’m rare; You stop and stare; You think I care, I don’t! ~ I don’t give a damn, I don’t play your rules, I make my own; Tonight I’ll do what I want to Cuz I can...
12. So Much for My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne) ~ You were everything, everything that I wanted; We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it’ All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away; All this time you were pretending; So much for my happy ending...
13. Window (Fionna Apple) ~ So I had to break the window, It just had to be; Better I break the window, than him or her or me...
14. I Can’t Be Your Friend (DHT) ~ And it’s killing me to know you; without having a chance to hold you~ I’ve taken all I can, this is where it’s got to end, cause I can’t be your friend anymore...
15. You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette) ~ It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced; Are you thinking of me when you fuck her...
Monday, December 10, 2007
Just Came To Say, "Goodbye Love"
Ya know, even Jennifer Anniston got dumped.
I watched an old episode of Grey’s Anatomy last night (a Season two or three episode I believe) – the one where Addison finds Meredith’s panties in McDreamy’s pocket? And she’s devastated and she gets drunk…very, very drunk. And yet she’s STILL fabulous! Talk about idiot. Who would dump Addison Sheppard!? She’s the hottest redhead in Hollywood! Utterly unbelievable.
Not that I’m putting myself on visual par with Addison Sheppard or Jennifer Anniston…I’m just saying they’ve been there. They survived. And if Addison could get dumped for a Gelfling-looking, dishwater blonde named Meredith, I suppose it’s conceivable for yours truly to get dumped for a 5’1, flat-chested chick named Melissa (who the Russian asked out last week). (Bonus points for you if you knew what a Gelfling was without having to look it up).
We’re currently not speaking. After a long, painful, tearful conversation on Friday night, which lasted until roughly 4 a.m. when we had nothing left to say to each other, I got tired of trying to sleep and got up around 7 – worked out and came to a conclusion: I love him, but I love me more (thank you, Samantha Jones).
So I called him Saturday morning where the conversation went something like this:
Scarlett: I’ve reached a decision – I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I don’t want you to call me. I don’t want to talk. I’m not strong enough to be your friend and not your girlfriend.
Russian: Wait. No talking – AT ALL?
Scarlett: No. Not at least until later in December. I’m just not strong enough. And I can’t do this anymore.
Russian: I respect that – I don’t like it, but I'll respect it. Will you at least call me on my birthday (December 22nd)?
Scarlett: Well, that’s later in December, so yes. I’ll talk to you on your birthday.
Russian: Ok. I love you.
Scarlett: I love you too. Goodbye, Russian.
He wanted his space...so that's what I gave him.
On the bright side, I think I have some good news on the horizon…so stay tuned.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Nothing's Yours - On Easy Terms
We had a good year, the Russian and I. The best in recent memory. I keep going over and over, reliving it, analyzing it, missing it, dwelling on it. The places we went, the friends we made, the things we did….the way we laughed. Weddings, parties, engagements, Vegas, Dallas, NYC, Philly, a pending trip to Paris, life, apartments, families, cats, games, shopping, driving, laughing, loving, supporting each other..
So many memories….so much happiness. And now its gone. Gone. He’s letting it all go. And my question is…would I be better off now if I had never had it at all? Do I want my year back? Do I want my time back – when I could have found something, maybe less remarkable but lasting?
I was more in love with this man than any other man in my adult life. I felt things I hadn’t felt since I was 17 years old. I didn’t know I could still feel those feelings. I didn’t know I could be that happy. I didn’t know life could be so good. And I am so afraid everything and every one will pale in comparison. How could they not?
And so…is it better not knowing? It seems like it would be. That way, I wouldn’t know what I was missing. I wouldn’t know what I had lost. I wouldn’t have this ache and this emptiness and this feeling of utter loss. I wouldn’t know.
What hurts the most though, is that I’d found something that I had been searching for my whole life. And been through a lot in order to find. And it was the MOST important thing in the world – it meant the world to me. So think about what is most important to you – and imagine someone telling you that it doesn’t matter to them at all. And they’d give it up – this precious possession of yours – and for what? A few meaningless dates? Things that don’t even matter in the larger scheme of life?
Frankly, I don’t know how he could just throw US…he could just throw…ME….away.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Father Time - You Saucy Bitch
‘Time heals all wounds’ – most of us know this old addage to be true. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. Men who were once always on our minds, the catalyst of tears, rants, and obsessions eventually fade into distant memories until one day you wake up and they’re almost gone from your mind completely.
Nothing to remind you of the experience except for the occasional whiff of cologne in the metro or the odd photo that managed to survive your ‘love’s hangover’ purge – tucked safely into your scrap album.
And I must say, that was the one good thing about the Canadian. Because he never treated me like a real girlfriend, I didn’t have any of his stuff to rid myself of after four years and three breakups. But I digress.
Back to Father Time. Let me just say, while I thank your for the role you’ve played in mending my past heartbreak, I’m afraid this time, your efforts are insufficient. In fact, you’re a slow moving, lazy bastard and I don’t have the strength or the energy to wait around for you! I’m trying to move on – pick up, get on with my life and you, my dear man, are holding me back.
In fact, I’ll bettcha ‘Father Time’ isn’t even really a man. ‘He’ has got to be either a woman or a high-strung drag queen. Think about it: what straight, old men do you know that are THIS sadistic and bitchy? Clearly he’s sporting some serious platform heels and fake lashes these days or else he has retired and now his ‘Devil Wears Prada’ daughter has taken over the family chronology business. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Regardless, Mr. Sister, I don’t want to make your life difficult. Hell – I want to make it easier! I’m not asking you to speed things up by pushing the Fast Forward button on this TiVo’d episode of my life. I’d like you simply to let go of the process. Just drop me from your radar screen and let me do this on my own. Give me back control. No need to fret, your work will get done and my strength will be enough to get over this man in a mere fraction of your workday.
Please. I’m asking you, from one saucy bitch to another…I’d like my life back. My life where I was contentedly single – ok so many not exactly ‘contentedly’ but functionally at least. My life where the thought of dating someone new was mildly exciting instead of making physically ill; where my cynicism of men was not QUITE so overtly hostile and the prospect of rekindling old flames not so utterly distasteful.
Till then, Ms. T, you may continue to tick tock your clock on my life; you may persist in etching your lines ever so gradually upon my face; you may even give me a grey hair one day – but please…just let this one go.
Frankly,
Monday, December 3, 2007
Locking Up My Box of Stained Glass Tears
What to say…what to say….
Well, for starters, I ran away this weekend. Courtesy of priceline.com, I booked a last minute ticket and flew far, far away in an attempt to get out of my own head. What did I learn? That wherever you run away to, or whoever you run away with…YOU are still there. I will say this though, there’s nothing like spending time with your crazy, sexy, wonderful guy friends to make you feel like there may be a life waiting beyond your pain.
But when you leave the arms of friends, life is inevitably waiting for you – and it’s not getting easier. But writing it out, coherent or not, seems to be helping. And I’d like to keep it that way – meaning that while I have no problem airing my mental and emotional laundry for the blog reading world, et. al, … I’d like to keep it from the eyes of the one person I know shouldn’t be privy to any information regarding my emotional status – at least for the time being.
I wanted him to know all about me at one time – and now I’m afraid he knows me too well. And that stops now.
So, FYI – any post I feel, for whatever reason, is appropriate for general, but not specific, consumption, I will post under the left hand category of ‘break up’. Anyone wishing to peruse its pages should feel free to contact me for the password.
Harsh? Perhaps. However, I’ve reverted to emotional lock down …. And it’s every girl for herself.
