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Welcome to my world: A world in which I am still finding my way and my voice; where the language is laced with dry humor; where stilettos and football games go together like peas and carrots; where happy hour starts long before 5; where I make mistakes, get angry and laugh my ass off; where I will never love anything as much as I love my cat; where no one knows your name and you like it that way; where comments are welcome and where strong women who fight for what they believe in are always adored.
Frankly,
On My Mind
Six Months of Short Sentences
Letter from my Father [Part 2]
My Greatest Fans
Brick Walls & Picket Lines
Kindred Spirits (Part One)
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Friday, December 21, 2007
Vive La France!
And so it begins. Date #3 post Russian (trust me - #2 is NOT worth the mention)
Ironically, I enrolled in a French class last month. The impetus for reliving my high school language experience, you ask? A pending trip to
Well, if nothing else, the class has proven a useful diversion over the past few weeks, deflecting thoughts of the impending holiday and the fact I will be spending Christmas and by extension, New Years, alone for roughly the 8th year in a row (yes, do the math boys and girls – Scarlett has not had a NYE date THIS MILLENIUM). Incroyable, je
The twist: one of the class tutors is rather cute (in a 33 but could still pass for 21, boy next door way) and has asked moi to a wine tasting this evening. Before you gasp in horror with visions of a European in too short pants, wafting questionable body odor with a political superiority complex yet a dire need to be rescued at the first sight of Lederhosen, let me assure you that this man is 100% American. A Midwestern boy, as a matter of fact, with a passion for Big 10 football who happens to have lived in a variety of French-speaking countries (hence the linguistic dexterity).
So another welcomed distraction – even if my thoughts will inevitably return to a certain slovak as soon as its over.
Franchement,
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Do Any DC Boys Make the Grade?
As it appears I am not opposed to taking my newfound freedom out for a spin, while awaiting the Russian’s return from emotional
"Asshat, asshole, dickhead, alcoholic, workaholic, sexaholic (unless...), commitment phobic, person with girlfriend or wife, misogynist, megalomaniac, chauvinist, emotional fuckwit, freeloader or pervert."
_______________________________________________________
1. What makes you think you're good enough for our Scarlett?
2. Have you ever been engaged/married?
3. (If you answered “yes” to #2.) Do you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and that you have completed the requisite amount of alone time/therapy/yoga/meditation/sowing oats of the wild variety – to allow you fairly enter into a long-term, healthy and meaningful relationship?
4. Can you last longer than five minutes in the sack? Without sexual enhancements or aides.
5. Do you know what "ED" stands for?
6. What is your definition of a thoughtful gesture?
(letting her have the last sip of your beer should not qualify - neither does turning to face away from her during flatulence)
7. How big are your feet?
8. What is your idea of spontaneous?
9. Do you frequently have fears of commitment and experience bouts of inexplicable needs of SPACE, an angst which moving furniture or standing alone at the
10. (If you answered “yes” to #9.) Please discuss, in detail, how these feelings will in no way derail your relationship or make your girlfriend cry.
11. Are diamonds a girl's best friend, or is chocolate? Please compare/contrast, and state why you feel that both of these elements should be prominent in any decent relationship.
12. You significant other's mother is in town for one night only and it would be your first time to meet her. Coincidentally, your favorite sports team has a game televised and you have been looking forward to it for days. You can only choose one. What do you choose, and why?
13. Your girlfriend makes a comment on how unflattering another girl at the bar looks. Do you:
a) reply with "what girl?"
b) Agree and mention two reasons why your girlfriend's attire is way better
c) Chug what's left of your beer and say "What, babe? You need another?"
14. Your mother has a key to your house and frequently lets herself in, knowing full-well you have adult company. Do you:
a) get up because your mother wants to make you breakfast
b) tell your mother it's inappropriate and you will talk to her later
c) immediately ask for the key back
15. You're grocery shopping together and girlfriend stops in the salad dressing section and says, "My thighs are getting bigger - do you think I should get the 'light' dressing?" Do you:
a) Run for the exit.
b) Look her up and down and hesitate?
c) Before she finishes her sentence cut her off and tell her how beautiful she is?
16. A woman's mothers looks are a good determination of what she will look like when she's older. True or False?
17. Your girlfriend is fighting with her mother and starts cutting her up (uttering all sorts of true but disrespectful slurs). Do you chime in and join her, or defend her mother? What is the best course of action?
18. Is a painting of dancing teddy bears in masculine colors a good choice of artwork for your house? Why, or why not?
19. Your mother brings you childhood ornaments you decorated as a child. She has kept them all these years and lovingly puts them on her tree. She's now willing to part with them. Do you:
a) put them on your tree, proud to display them, as hideous as your red/green distorted clay handprint looks
b) tell your mother you would probably damage them; it's best tradition is kept and she keeps them on her tree
c) keep them in boxes; you're a big boy now
20. Do you consider neon beer signs as proper house decor?
21. How do you choose a good wine? Based on price, label, or colour?
22. Your lady calls you from the other room - there's a mouse in the kitchen! How do you react?
23. Scarlett has decided to paint her apartment. Do you:
a) Tell her you'll be busy washing your hair that day?
b) Offer to help out?
c) Take the brush from her hand, and send her off to get her nails painted?
d) Hire a painter (cute man sans shirt with muscles and hairless upper body`), buy a blender and mix up a pitcher of margaritas and set up a lounge chair in the apartment - while you go off golfing for the day?
24. Fill in the blank: Hitting on a girl's sister is ________.
25. If you found the “perfect girlfriend” would you:
a) Take a ‘break’ so that you could fulfill your ever present need to still see what else is out there
b) Cheat on her in order to make sure she’s ‘the one’
c) Realize how very lucky you are and do everything you possibly can to keep her happy and in your life?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Silent Shades of Lazy Greys
By way of an update for you: The Russian has chosen to ignore the communication sanctions put in place two weeks ago. He txted me last Friday night to say….I’m not sure what he had to say actually. Something along the lines of ….he had read my blog (I think he was mildly irritated at the new date entry, though he may claim otherwise*), and that I shouldn’t feel obligated to call him but that he hopes I’m doing well and he still doesn’t know what he wants.
Clear as the face of a 13 year old with chronic acne, right?
So we are communicating, albeit sporadically, again.
And I honestly can’t tell you how I feel about it or him or anything really at the moment.** But there's actually been far too much going on to dwell on this particular situation all THAT much. (Attention to one's own head injuries tend to come first apparently).
So here we are, …not sure where HERE is, or where I’m supposed to go now, but hopefully if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don’t get mugged along the way…I’ll get there eventually.
Ever so frankly,
** Well, that’s not entirely true, and those non-soviets wishing to read the gory details, should email me if you’d like.
Monday, December 17, 2007
How to Get Through Christmas and New Year's Even When You're Single and Unloved by Anybody Except for Your Parents
Just because I am in the throws of emotional turmoil and therefore cannot come up with anything remotely clever and/or worth reading on my own…..
I would like to repost the following blurb because…well…it spoke to me in an odd, twisted way. Many thanks to Ha Ha Sound over at “Lunch Hour Pops”.
Frankly,
How to Get Through Christmas and New Year's Eve When You're Single and Unloved by Anybody Except for Your Parents
While the glut of holiday parties has already peaked for you or will sometime within the next few days, you still have two holiday landmines ahead of you. Christmas and New Year's Eve still beckon, and the first of those is only a week away.
And despite being highly educated, better looking than any of your other relatives, and a sophisticated and cultured New Yorker, you’re single. Every one of your relatives has a spouse. And possibly children. Even that weird annoying cousin of yours who thinks that George W. Bush is doing a great job, and that the cause of the immigration problem sweeping our country is the fact that abortion is legal.
How did this great injustice happen? And how can you avoid feeling like the odd person out at your big upcoming family celebration on Christmas Eve and Christmas? And at that New Year’s Eve party that you’ve been invited to?
As to how you found yourself in this predicament, well I can only tell you that it’s entirely your own fault. If you’re a guy, your romantic past is likely filled with wonderful women whom you were unable to commit to because you wanted to hold out for somebody better. Your constantly roving eye got the better of you. And now you have to pay the price.
If you’re a woman, it’s probably because you wouldn’t shut up about either children, marriage or where this relationship is going. I mean, really. If you want the relationship to go somewhere, take it there. Men are mostly afraid of not having sex and being forced to cook their own dinner. When one has a girlfriend, they can either eat out or offer to do the dishes in exchange for being cooked for. Problem solved. If you want to get married, just offer to quit your job and spend all day in the kitchen. Nothing says potential future wife more than being clingy and offering to make your life subservient to his.
But let’s not linger on the past. Sure, your parents will be surprised if you show up to Christmas Eve with somebody they’ve never heard mentioned before, but they’ll be so happy that there’s a chance you might have children before they die that they’ll be willing to overlook this odd situation. And when your mother asks you how you met your significant other when you’re talking on the phone a week later, just say you met at a bookstore. Or friends set you up. Nobody really cares, anyway.
But how to find somebody with only a week remaining? Let’s look at a few different options:
1) Hit on all of your platonic friends of the opposite sex. Or the same sex, if you’re homosexual. Sure, you’re bound to lose a few close friends and potentially find yourself waking up next to somebody you’re not really thrilled about, but let’s keep sight of our priorities here. Besides, people really like it when their opposite sex buddies make uninvited drunken passes at them. And if you’re thinking, well, this would never work because if we were meant to be, then it would’ve happened organically, that’s only because you never threw yourself shamelessly at them. And if you’re worried about ending up with somebody you’re not attracted to, don’t worry. It’s just a little preview of what marriage will be like after five years. Besides, just dump him/her after New Year’s Eve, anyway. This will ensure that you have somebody to kiss at midnight. Just close your eyes and imagine that you’re making out with somebody else.
One piece of advice: go for somebody who just got out of a serious relationship. The holidays make people especially emotionally vulnerable, and someone getting over a breakup is already confused and suffering from self-esteem problems.
2) Call or text message all of your ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. This works especially well late at night, when you’re drunk and in that vague place between being horny and just wanting to go to sleep. Nothing says future girlfriend to a guy like a woman who sends him a salacious text message at 2:00 a.m. Besides, bargaining always works. Offer to show him your boobs if he’ll come to Christmas dinner with you. He’ll have a newfound respect for you.
As for guys, it works the same way. Women are always extremely impressed with men who send text messages late at night asking, what are you up to? Want to come over? This shows them that you’re thinking of them, and they’ll blush with romantic longing. Asking for oral sex in an explicit manner is also highly recommended. Women like men who are go-getters, and this shows that you’re not afraid to ask for what you want.
The beauty of this method is that there’s probably anywhere between four and eight people that you can shoot for. Just keep at it until you find somebody who responds positively. Start with your most recent ex-es, and work your way down ending with people you’re no longer in touch with. If you only broke up with somebody a few months ago, they’re most likely still thinking about you. If it’s somebody you dated back in high school, they’ll be so happy to hear from you that they’ll be bowled over. Besides, you’ll have something to chuckle about at your upcoming reunion.
3) The Internet. If you’re Christian, make a J-Date profile. Give yourself some kind of headline like, I’ll Save You From Burning in Hell Forever. Jews will contact you like there’s no tomorrow. Besides, they’re just going to be heading to Chinese food and a movie, anyway. You’re actually doing them a favor. And be sure to mention something about their having killed Christ in your profile. Everybody loves a good borderline offensive religious joke.
Another good option is Nerve.com, the dating site for bitter, artistically-inclined people. Most likely, they’ve moved to NYC from somewhere in the Midwest and can’t afford to fly home for the holidays, anyway. Swoop in, and victory shall be yours.
Good luck!! Let me know how it works out for you.
Coming Tomorrow: How to Buy Gifts for That Person You’ve Only Been Dating for Three Weeks and/or the Significant Other You’re Planning on Breaking Up With as Soon as the Holidays Are Over.
Friday, December 14, 2007
S & M: Not Half As Fun As It Used To Be
First things first – a number of you have been very asky about the date – thank you for your interest…it was lovely. First of all, I MUST say, that I looked smashing. (yes, I said ‘smashing’). The dress was perfect – and looked soooo good now that I'm on the downward slope of weight loss – it just does wonders for one’s self esteem.
Anywhoo – the Golfer, as always was the perfect date and gentleman. With his soap star good looks, and charming, outgoing personality, he was quite the hit with everyone. It was a nice distraction and we planned on getting together at Brickskeller (which is where we always seem to hang out together) sometime early in the New Year. I told ya’ll this was not a long or even short term potential relationship – he’s just a great date, we have a lot of fun together, and that’s about as far as it goes.
I was actually going to take quite a different direction with this post (as you might gather from the title). However, after much consideration – I don’t think I’m going to be QUITE as open as originally intended. The basic jist of the post would have been something along the lines of the lengths to which I’m torturing myself either trying NOT to think of the Russian, or thinking about him so incessantly I think my head might explode.
It really is amazing that even when someone completely shatters your heart, it’s still possible to love them with all the little tiny pieces. It appears, dear reader, that silence is not as golden as origionally intended. I know it was my decision, and I think, most likely, the correct course of action – even though he’s probably forgotten all about me by now, having not spoken to me in 6 days he’s probably already fallen in love with someone else and never wants to see me again…(SEE that’s where the crazy comes in!).
So the silence is literally driving me mad. And the kicker? The insanity and pain is all self inflicted (hence the S&M reference) – and it was torture TALKING to him but not hearing what I wanted to hear! (SEE – AGAIN with the crazy!) And the vicious cycle continues ad nauseam, ad infinitum.
This is truly a new departure from sanity, even for me.
Ok, so things I will do over the next few days to help me forget about this ridiculous lose/lose situation I’ve gone and flung myself into:
- Go out with XO for drinks. Today would have been her 4th year anniversary had she not gotten a divorce (Which really was the best decision for all concerned seeing as how she was married to the evangelical Christian man with no soul)
- Go drink Mimosas with Mr. & Mrs. Dewy Beach and friends pre-partying for the Santa Stumble
- Continue to clean my apartment – it seems to be a never ending battle.
- Yoga…lots of Yoga.
- Go Christmas shopping for mother.
- Continue to consume large quantities of alcohol.
- Go to my college’s holiday reception and hope and pray no one asks me about the Russian.
- Get a Pedi/Mani (in desperate need of pampering)
Please feel free to provide additional suggestions as to ways in which to fill my time. They would be most appreciated.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Auditory Therapy
I’ve found music to be quite cathartic over the past couple weeks. The best musicians are the ones that have captured your feelings exactly, bottled them and recreated these emotions in such a way that you feel they were written specifically for you, about your situation or speaking to ease your pain. In that context, it’s comforting I suppose to know that heartache, relationship mistakes, the urge to move on, anger, and general pissed-offedness are somewhat universal.
So the following contains a selection of songs that oscillate with my mood. The first play list is for the “woe is me…I’m so sad…I’ll never love anyone else” mood. Which, at any given time can morph into the “Fuck you, I’m fabulous and you’re an idiot” mood. The songs also list a few choice lyrics that make the selection particularly fabulous.
So for your musical edification and listening/ranting/crying pleasure, I give you “Scarlett's Ultimate Heartache Playlist Vols. 1 & 2”
Sad/I want him back/Why doesn’t he love me? Songs:
1. Just Like A Star (Corinne Bailey Rae) (This one is the Russian’s and my song – and so it makes me cry)
2. Goodbye To You (Michele Branch) ~ It feels like I'm starting all over again; the last three years were just pretend. ~ And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time....
3. Driver’s Seat (DHT) ~ News is blue; has no way to get to you; what can I do, when I remember my time with you...
4. Every Time it Rains (Charlotte Martin) ~ I’m willing to admit I tried too hard, Stop playing with my heart, I’m waiting by the phone, Afraid to be myself, Afraid to be alone...
5. A World Without You (Beth Hart) ~ Was it yesterday? I don’t know; Was I dreaming? Or did I lose everything I believed in? If you could only see what I see – Every time you leave...
6. Heavily Broken (The Veronicas) ~ When there’s nothing left to say, what can you do...
7. There’s A Fine, Fine Line (Avenue Q Soundtrack) ~ There’s a fine, fine line; between ‘you’re wonderful’ and ‘goodbye’...
8. I Go Crazy (DHT) ~ Just when I thought I was over you; I see your face and it just ain't true...
9. Will You Love Me Tomorrow (Carole King) ~ Tonight with words unspoken, you say that I’m the only one, but will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun...
10. The Part Where You Let Go (Hem)
11. What Hurts the Most (Rascal Flatts) (This entire song speaks to the broken hearted)
12. When It All Falls Apart (The Veronicas) ~ I’m having the day from hell, it was all going so well; And you told me you needed space, with a kiss on the side my face; And not to mention the tears I shed, but I should have kicked your ass instead...
13. Big Girls Don’t Cry (Fergie) ~ And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket; But I’ve got to get a move on with my life; It’s time to be a big girl now: And big girls don’t cry...
14. Hard To Say I’m Sorry (
Chicago) (Wishful thinking – music to torture yourself by)
Angry/He’s a Fuckhead/I’m fabulous Songs:
1. Untouchable Face (Ani Difranco) (Otherwise known as the “Fuck You” Song – very appropriate)
2. Since U Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson) ~ You had your chance you blew it, Out of sight, out of mind; Shut your mouth I just can’t take it; Again and again and again and again...
3. You Had Me (Joss Stone) ~ Hey listen you’ll be missin; Out on all my love and my kissing; Make your mistakes on your own time...
4. Life Goes On (LeAnne Rimes) ~ Life goes on; And it’s only gonna make me strong; It’s a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cause you can’t go back. ~ Oh and it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right; Where I’m at, is my life before me; And this feeling that I can’t go back...
5. Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds) ~ So you wanted to take a break; Slow it down and have some space; Well fuck you too!
6. Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood) (Every ‘wronged girl’s’ fantasy)~ I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive; Carved my name into his leather seats; I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires; - Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats...
7. Stronger (Britney Spears) ~ ‘Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday, Now it’s nothing but my way, My loneliness ain’t killing me no more; Cause I’m stronger!
8. Never Again (Kelly Clarkson) ~ Does it hurt to know I’ll never be there: Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere; It was you who chose to end it like you did: I was the last to know. ~And don’t say, you simply lost your way; She may believe you but I never will; Never again...
9. It’s Just Me (Kina) ~ Life; Got kinda hard, I faced it; Fought and cried and almost gave in; All negative forces faded; Love of me just walked right in. ~ I’m just me, I’m enough; With my self, I’m in love; I’ve been weak, I’ve been low; Made me strong, now I know; I’m just me, I’m enough; Nothin less, nothing more; I wish everybody could just feel this kind of love...
10. Keep Breathing (Ingrid Michaelson) ~I want to change the world…instead I sleep; I want to believe in more than you and me...
11. ‘Cuz I Can (Pink)~ You know I’m rare; You stop and stare; You think I care, I don’t! ~ I don’t give a damn, I don’t play your rules, I make my own; Tonight I’ll do what I want to Cuz I can...
12. So Much for My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne) ~ You were everything, everything that I wanted; We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it’ All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away; All this time you were pretending; So much for my happy ending...
13. Window (Fionna Apple) ~ So I had to break the window, It just had to be; Better I break the window, than him or her or me...
14. I Can’t Be Your Friend (DHT) ~ And it’s killing me to know you; without having a chance to hold you~ I’ve taken all I can, this is where it’s got to end, cause I can’t be your friend anymore...
15. You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette) ~ It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced; Are you thinking of me when you fuck her...
Monday, December 10, 2007
Back in the Saddle
Ok, so the good news (sorry to keep you in such suspense). I have a date tonight. And not some blind, potentially disastrous, I have to do this to prove I’m moving on with my life and I’d much rather be at home crying with a bottle of wine and my cats - kind of date. A guaranteed to have a wonderful time and fabulous conversation with an absolutely gorgeous man – kind of date.
We shall call him the Golfer (because on our first date over 2 years ago, he took me golfing, then we drank beer and played pool, had dinner, etc.).
Anyways, I have a ‘function’ this evening, the invitation said ‘And Guest’. So, in a rare flash of Scarlett brilliance, I decided to invite the cutest single man I know – (and was SO glad I hadn’t deleted him from my phone!). He’s 6’3, blonde, amazing blue eyes, and a smile that could melt butter with dimples to match. He’s like the anti-Russian…just as handsome, only blonde.
So I took my lost-a-dress-size-and-an-extra-7-pounds-since-Thanksgiving fabulous self out for a little retail therapy last evening and found the MOST fabulous, festive, little red slip dress to wear. Dinner, drinks and Opera – should be very fun. It’s the most ME I’ve been in weeks.
Frankly, the Russian may be able to keep me from being happy – but he can’t stop me from having fun!
Yours,