So apparently it took the nausea a little longer to abate than origionally predicted. I’ve truly been mentally vomiting since Tuesday afternoon.

So, I did what any sane, rational girl would do…drank a bottle of wine with Army Guy, bitched about my ex and then proceeded to have mind blowing sex. Charming, no?

You know what they say: The fastest way to get over one man….get under another. Truer words - never spoken.

You may think it strange that I would bring up the ex to the current boy toy – not at all. Oddly enough, Army got his heart sliced, diced and handed to him on a silver platter right around the time I was having mine pureed and served up as road kill. Therefore, the bitching of the ex’s really isn’t all that uncommon – though it has become significantly more infrequent as the weeks roll on. Healthy? Most likely not – and I don’t know what it actually implies about our current relationship other than the fact that its nice to be able to relate to someone, perhaps it’s a flashing neon ‘rebound’ sign that I’ve chosen to ignore? At any rate, there it is.

He’s not like normal rebounds I’ve experienced throughout my roughly dozen years in the dating world. Example: After severing ties with my college boyfriend I immediately started seeing a rock star wanna be who wrote punk rock songs about my eyes and lived in his mother’s basement. After the football player, it was an IT guy who told me he loved me after three dates  - and frankly, I’ve tried to block out the memory of the rest of the month or so that we dated. Scary stuff.

Rebounds are SUPPOSED to be inappropriate. They’re supposed to remind us that most of the time, our own companionship is preferable to that of being with someone for whom we do not care a great deal.

That’s why this one is a tad trickier, if it is, in fact, a rebound. Who knows, it may be something more. It’s in no way inappropriate. It’s in no way unhealthy. Army is everything a girl could want – handsome, together, sweet, thoughtful, doting, sexy as hell and a great cook! However, he’s being deployed in August – so at least I know approximately when this relationship will hit its expiration date.

Frankly,

I AM posting today, I apologize for my absence as the following things have happened…..

1) Easter, obviously, the holiday weekend brought marvelous friends into town, so that kept me occupied along with celebrating the holiday itself;

      2) I've seen pictures of the Russian’s (who will henceforth be known as Fuckhead) new girl. I’m rather tempted to post them here. She looks like a man. I WOULD tell you that she looks like a man, but I’ve decided to be the bigger person and not mention her rather... masculine features. I’ve felt like throwing up since I saw it. If someone could PUH-LEASE enlighten me as to the reason why, after nearly two months of not speaking, one glimpse of the girl that he’s currently fucking throws me into a state of complete emotional paralysis? Even though I have a ‘perfect’ and I do mean perfect, man in my life and I keep coming up with reasons why Fuckhead is a totally inappropriate choice for a long term relationship!? UGH!; and

      3) I’m currently in professional limbo – long story short: I was planning on starting a new job, however, the security clearance may or may not come through in time as I’ve been replaced by my current job and the prospect of unemployment is rather frightening.

I will post again later today – once the nausea subsides.

As you may or may not be aware, the seven deadly sins as laid out by Pope Gregory the Great in the 6^th century and later immortalized by Dante Alighieri in his epic poem, the Divine Comedy (some would argue this list of vices was not made truly immortal until they were brought to question by Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and Brad Pitt in the 1995 thriller: Seven)  – have been recently changed by the Vatican. Yes, after almost 15 centuries, the classic vices are no longer cardinal sins that would earn you a one way ticket to Hades via a Prada purse.

For (roughly) the past 1,500 years, the sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride were thought to be the worst of all. (It should be noted here that each of these vices were so named in accordance to the seven holy virtues they contradict: chastity, abstinence, temperance, diligence, patience, kindness and humility). But no longer will this doctrine rule in the age of globalization, oh no dear friends. Hell has apparently changed its application sheet to include the following: genetic modification, polluting the environment, abortion, causing social injustice, causing poverty, obscene wealth and taking drugs.

“Forgive me father, for I have not recycled!?” What’s next? “Hail, Al Gore full of Grace?” And while they’re at it, why don’t they just update Holy Communion by switching from wine to vodka – because, personally, I just don’t get the same buzz from the sacraments that I used to.

While to most of us are too hung over to attend mass every Sunday I thought I’d innumerate the cardinal vices of our own religion: the church of dating.  And they are as follows:

1. Deceit. Thou shalt not lie. If I wanted to be lied to, I’d call up any number of my ex boyfriends. Bottom line, lying is shitty. If you’re not man enough to tell me what’s going on, then I’m more of a woman than you can handle, obviously.

2. Infidelity. Thou shalt not cheat. You entered into this relationship, you knew what you were doing. You went into it with your eyes wide shut open. Deal with the consequences and either break up with your sig. other, or keep it in your pants.

3. Emotional Promiscuity. Thou shalt not use 4 letter words beginning with the letter L and ending with OVE unless you mean it!

4. Penuriousness. Thou shalt pick up the check. If you ask a girl out to dinner – don’t you DARE expect her to pay or even split the bill. If you can’t afford dinner, you should have asked her out for coffee.

5. Suppression. Do NOT bottle up your anger for days and weeks on end saying repeatedly that everything is ‘fine’ and then blow up at your significant other for not passing the sugar and remind them of everything little thing they’ve done over the past two weeks to piss you off catching them COMPLETELY, and unfairly off guard. This may sound rational to most women, but it’s truly ridiculous. There is a statute of limitations on anger, if you don't tell your SO within 24 hours about something that’s bothered you, you loose your right to bitch. Furthermore, unless you’re getting hot and heavy with Miss Cleo – you’re most likely NOT dating a mind reader. So don’t act surprised, hurt and upset when your honey bunny doesn’t do exactly what you wanted them to do when you didn’t TELL them to do it in the first place. An absence of communication in general will send a relationship straight into hell. So thou shalt NOT refrain from calling the day after a date, thou shall express all grievances in a timely manner, thou shalt NOT rely on txting and instant messaging as a sole form of at a distance communication and thou shalt SHARE thy feelings in a constructive, rational manner.

6. Neediness. Relationships are about two WHOLE people coming together to make something new. Do NOT expect your significant other to fill whatever void you’re currently lacking in your life. Thou shalt NOT go into a relationship expecting to ‘change’ the other party. It’s not going to happen. Make sure you’re first able to be comfortable in your own skin and love yourself before you can even hope to have something healthy and lasting.

7. Sacrilege. (Women, this one’s for you). Thou shalt remember football season and keep it holy.

I don’t pretend that at one time or another I haven’t been guilty of one or ALL of these sins, but they are certainly actions we should strive to avoid when possible. And when IMpossible, we pray to the gods of therapy, prozac and Dr. Phil to forgive us our trespasses so that we may again strive to enter a state of  relationship Eden. Because, as well all know, dating is its own unique brand of hell.

Frankly,

Before ya'll think I've REALLY gone off the deep end after this break up and gone all Private Benjamin on your ass, calm down. I got rid of all my camo when the trend went out in 1998 - but that doenst mean that I can't appreciate a man in uniform.

So – there’s stuff going on – a lot going on. And I’ve avoided talking about it until now. I didn’t mention it back in January probably because of all the breakup madness and I didn’t want to say anything that might have jeopardized any chance of reconciliation. Pathetic, I know.

Ok, so I’m dating someone. I haven’t wanted to admit it. Not that there’s anything clandestine or embarrassing but because I was afraid of being labled an emotional skitsophrenic. Posts all over the emotional map – ‘I miss the Russian’, ‘I have a date Friday night’, etc. I was also afraid of loosing my license to rant about the ex if there was a new man on the horizon.

So we shall call him ‘the Army Guy’. We met over New Years and, needless to say, it took me by surprise. He asked me out for drinks at the Brickskeller (my suggestion, as he was new in town) – and, I’m not gonna lie, it was the first night I hadn’t checked my phone obsessively or thought about the Russian all night long. And it was nice. We had a lovely conversation, no goodnight kiss – and he said he’d ‘call me’. Well, we all know what that means. And so I was fully prepared to never hear from him again, which I wasn’t TERRIBLY broken up about since, after all, bawling my eyes out before bed was still a nightly ritual.

Well surprise, surprise – he did call. And not the standard ‘macho man’ requisite three days – he called me the next day to let me know what a nice time he had. He then txted on Tuesday to suggest we go out that Friday night. So the man took me out for drinks, then to dinner at the Charte House – a beautiful restaurant in Old Town overlooking the Potomac, bottle of wine, dessert, coffee – the whole bit. Then it hit me – ‘this guy is no shit, old-fashioned courting me’. I won’t give you the whole run down of the past two months in one post – but lets just say the pattern continued.

The man knows what he’s doin’. Phone call after every date to let me know what a good time he’s had, he cooks for me, wines AND dines me, and did I mention amazingly hot!? Day after Valentine’s Day (I had plans on the 14^th if you recall) he picked me up from work, and there were two dozen roses waiting for me on the seat of his car, followed by an amazing dinner he had apparently been preparing for days. What can I say? Man’s got skills. He's Mr. Martha - the man DVR's cooking shows and HGTV. But he wears a uniform and can shoot a gun and is obsessed with his grill....its kind of hot.

It’s nothing SERIOUS, I’m not in love and I’m not about to change my status on Facebook, unlike certain Russians assholes who feel the need to announce they’re ‘in a relationship’ to their entire social networking community after 48 hours of knowing someone.

But I do LIKE him. I’ll fill you in more later, but I wanted to bring you up to speed before July comes and I’m ranting, raving and crying over a man ya’ll have never heard of. Then you'd REALLY think I’d lost my mind!

Frankly,