The Scarlett Letters - Dating

Have You Seen me Lately?

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 12:58:45 -0500

So instead of passwording or shutting down, I thought the most reasonable course of action would be to simply “ask” the Canadian to not read my blog for awhile – easy, right? I didn’t invite him to read the blog in the first place so I thought he’d just respect my request and I could write with a tad less inhibition.

The conversation didn't quite go over as smoothly as planned. BIG Mistake. Huge!

He was personally hurt and (in his words) “monumentally insulted” that I didn’t mind saying whatever it is I say (which lately amounts to nothing more than bemoaning a relationship long since over) to strangers and the blog reading community et. al. but he wasn’t allowed to read it. I, of course, take a much different view that its nothing personal but that I can’t very well write about HIM and expect it to be anything even resembling honest if I know he’ll read it.

At any rate, I hurt his feelings and I apologized – a lot of good it did me.

Blah blah blah, long story short(er) – he’s not reading. At least for now.

So am I now going to come up with some huge, personal, revitalization that could only be achieved within the playground of relative anonymity? Obviously not, but one could hope!

Frankly, I think he’s being a bit sensitive but I didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.

It Started Like This

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0500

I had a bizarre little weekend….and it started like this.

There is no more accurate a method of self-reflection than that of reliving your formative years through the eyes of someone who knew you long ago, and if they happen to also be your ex, so much the better.

And no, I am not referring to Fuckhead – for once. An ex was in town this weekend…well, maybe ‘ex’ is too strong a term. Allow me to elaborate. JD was my first ‘crush’, back when I was introverted and could barely justify wearing a training bra and his head had yet to grow into his ears. He was my first kiss, my first….well – as the years went by, spending time with him became more of an educational experience than a romantic experience. Ironically, as time has worn on, I believe I’m the one who eventually received an instructional diploma in sex ed where he has yet to graduate.

And so it was in high school, and winter breaks in college throughout the years our tradition has continued. Nearly every Christmas/New Years we would see each other, have dinner and then make out on my parent’s couch like it was 1996 – not particularly because he had become so much better looking in his old age, or that I was irristably drawn to him. It was because this is what we did – this is what we’ve always done, this is what I was obgligated to do.

And this Friday, he was in town. Having dodged our annual encounter back in December for a lack of emotional social acceptability, I was actually looking forward to seeing him. I was a bit nervous – as I had never even seen this boy outside of our hometown. How does one make reservations if I don’t know if he likes wine, beer, Italian, Mexican….so I chose a truly unique spot, for the ambience – Bistro du Coin. Perfect choice.

I won’t bore you with the details of our evening of catching up and reminicing other than to say that the man has certainly learned how to charm a lady over the years. Oh – and I WILL mention the most AMAZING bottle of wine I’ve ever had in my life.

The end of the evening came, he walked me home, he came up to my apartment. He kissed me goodnight. It was a good kiss. However, I informed him that he would not be going any farther. I told him I couldn’t. And that I wouldn't. Thankfully, he bowed out gracefully. He was gracious enough to accept my decision without complaint, sans typical horny boy pouting. I thanked him for a wonderful evening, and he left.

In the nearly eighteen years that I have known this man, I have NEVER said no to him. He was my first ‘un-getable man’. He was the boy I pined after, obsessed over in diaries, and when he finally noticed me, finally paid attention to me…well, I didn’t want him to STOP liking me (pathetic, I know)….so I never said ‘no’….until Friday night. I abandoned my feelings of obligation. I broke the cycle. I didn't do what I didn't want to do. And I went to bed alone. And it felt good. And I kept something that is slowly becoming an increasingly valuable possession….myself.

Frankly, I don’t know if that makes any sense…but I still thought I’d share.

In the Army Now

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 09:55:00 -0600

Before ya'll think I've REALLY gone off the deep end after this break up and gone all Private Benjamin on your ass, calm down. I got rid of all my camo when the trend went out in 1998 - but that doenst mean that I can't appreciate a man in uniform.

So – there’s stuff going on – a lot going on. And I’ve avoided talking about it until now. I didn’t mention it back in January probably because of all the breakup madness and I didn’t want to say anything that might have jeopardized any chance of reconciliation. Pathetic, I know.

Ok, so I’m dating someone. I haven’t wanted to admit it. Not that there’s anything clandestine or embarrassing but because I was afraid of being labled an emotional skitsophrenic. Posts all over the emotional map – ‘I miss the Russian’, ‘I have a date Friday night’, etc. I was also afraid of loosing my license to rant about the ex if there was a new man on the horizon.

So we shall call him ‘the Army Guy’. We met over New Years and, needless to say, it took me by surprise. He asked me out for drinks at the Brickskeller (my suggestion, as he was new in town) – and, I’m not gonna lie, it was the first night I hadn’t checked my phone obsessively or thought about the Russian all night long. And it was nice. We had a lovely conversation, no goodnight kiss – and he said he’d ‘call me’. Well, we all know what that means. And so I was fully prepared to never hear from him again, which I wasn’t TERRIBLY broken up about since, after all, bawling my eyes out before bed was still a nightly ritual.

Well surprise, surprise – he did call. And not the standard ‘macho man’ requisite three days – he called me the next day to let me know what a nice time he had. He then txted on Tuesday to suggest we go out that Friday night. So the man took me out for drinks, then to dinner at the Charte House – a beautiful restaurant in Old Town overlooking the Potomac, bottle of wine, dessert, coffee – the whole bit. Then it hit me – ‘this guy is no shit, old-fashioned courting me’. I won’t give you the whole run down of the past two months in one post – but lets just say the pattern continued.

The man knows what he’s doin’. Phone call after every date to let me know what a good time he’s had, he cooks for me, wines AND dines me, and did I mention amazingly hot!? Day after Valentine’s Day (I had plans on the 14^th if you recall) he picked me up from work, and there were two dozen roses waiting for me on the seat of his car, followed by an amazing dinner he had apparently been preparing for days. What can I say? Man’s got skills. He's Mr. Martha - the man DVR's cooking shows and HGTV. But he wears a uniform and can shoot a gun and is obsessed with his grill....its kind of hot.

It’s nothing SERIOUS, I’m not in love and I’m not about to change my status on Facebook, unlike certain ~~Russians~~ assholes who feel the need to announce they’re ‘in a relationship’ to their entire social networking community after 48 hours of knowing someone.

But I do LIKE him. I’ll fill you in more later, but I wanted to bring you up to speed before July comes and I’m ranting, raving and crying over a man ya’ll have never heard of. Then you'd REALLY think I’d lost my mind!

Frankly,

Why Men Are Idiots and Dump Totally Amazing Women for No Good Reason and Then Come to Really Regret It Later

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:23:46 -0600

By: Ha Ha Sound

When Scarlett first asked me to guest blogged for her, I was initially really annoyed. I mean, it’s hard enough to find the time to fill a page or two with enough drivel to get people to come back to my blog without having to take on the added responsibility of carrying the weight of somebody else’s blog on my shoulders. But an agreement was reached, and so here we are. I’m guest blogging for Scarlett today, and damn honored to be doing it.

And don’t forget to send those nude photos soon. OK?

The proposed topic of my post was... well... you read it above, and I’m trying to smoke a cigarette while writing this so I’m not going to retype it. Interesting. But I think you’re going to be as disappointed in this blog entry as my parents were when I decided not to go to medical school.

You see the thing is, I don’t think men are idiots in that regard. I mean, yes... of course they are. But I don’t think it’s a gender issue. I think that people of both sexes have done it. And yet they haven’t.

Regretting having read this far? I really don’t blame you. But bear with me a little longer. I’m going to make this short so I can go watch Internet porn while keeping the audio from CNN on in the background. Hot, right?

In all seriousness, I think that it always only seems like a person has been dumped for no reason to the person who’s actually been dumped. We’ve all been there. You go out on a date. Or are already dating. You’re having a fantastic time. Laughing. Sharing stories. You’ve finally gotten to the point where you’re having sex without a condom. Or if it’s a first date, she’s not checking her BlackBerry every three minutes. And if she’s doing that while you’re having sex without a condom, well... call a psychiatrist.

But things are going along fine and then... nothing. If it’s a new relationship, maybe the person just stops calling or returning your calls. If it’s somebody you’re seeing more seriously, they suddenly need space or some other idiotic bullshit they got while watching reruns of Charles in Charge while eating Corn Pops with soy milk. The bottom line is... you’re left wondering what the fuck happened.

But here’s the thing. How many times have you been out on a date with somebody wherein you were having a good time and going on and on about how much you love traveling, and the other person launches into a diatribe about how airports are bad for urban development and ruining communities and pollution and blah blah blah and pretty soon you’re looking forward to watching that last damn Star Wars movie on HBO for the gazillionth time when you get home later?

Case in point: recently, I went out on a date with a beautiful women originally from Russia. She was sexy, intelligent, well-dressed, successful and wealthy. Visions of having a sugar momma who was only two years older than me danced in my head.

Now, I have a cat that I rescued from going to the pound. I’ve had him for almost 10 years, and he’s about 11. Being that he was neglected by his previous owner, he’s very clingy and affectionate and prone to freaking out if I’m away for too long. Like, you know how some cat owners can go away for the weekend and leave their cat and not worry because cats are self-sufficient animals? I can’t really do that.

Anyway, things were going fine and dandy between the sexy Russkie and myself until I told her that I had a cat. And she started going on and on about how animals aren’t as important as people, and if I really had to I could give the cat away. And I was thinking, where is this coming from? And how I could never give my cat away, because he’s family to me.

And everything was pretty much downhill from there. I noticed that she smacked her lips in an annoying way as she ate. That she made the bartender let her try three glasses of wine before settling on one (high maintenance alert!!). And that she said she could never respect a man who didn’t make as much money as her. And that she didn’t even reach for the check when it came. Not that I wanted her to pay or expected her to, but she could’ve at least pretended.

My point is that is love is rough and hard. There are no easy answers, and often no closure and no resolution. I’m sure the woman I went out on a date with will make some other guy a wonderful girlfriend. And I might regret not having ever called her again, especially when the friend who set us up later said that the Russian woman was disappointed that she never heard from me again.

But I’m kind of an idiot.

The Circus is Back in Town...

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 10:48:00 -0600

Many of you for may remember my on and off former sig. other who I refer to as 'The Canadian' for uncreative and obvious reasons. I broke up with him at 12:03 on New Year’s Eve 2007 and then sealed the deal later in February. We have stayed in touch over the past year, not in any romantic context (at least on my end) or in any way that could possibly undermine my relationship with the Russian. We would touch base via txt, call or IM every few weeks. And now – he’s making his annual pilgrimage to our nation’s capitol, his former home.

By way of some background information, we broke up for the following reasons: #1. During our relationship, his priorities were in the following order: work, friends, hockey, cooking, drinking, reading, cleaning, watching West Wing reruns…THEN me. #2. During our entire on-again/off-again dating cycle, I did not once meet his friends, family, nor was I ever introduced to anyone we happened to run into as his girlfriend. #3. Because of reasons 1 & 2, I never felt important, loved or included in his life as one should when they are in a healthy relationship.

Over the past year (both during and post-Russian) he has apologized profusely, proclaimed his idiocy and stated in no uncertain terms that he would like us to try again, that we belong together and that we will live happily ever after. My reaction to these grand overtures and statements could be described as tolerant at best. The lack of enthusiasm comes not from a shortage of affection, or attraction (the man is a taller version of JFK Jr.). It comes from the fact that I’ve been on this ride, I’ve gotten off the merry-go-round and the theme park is closing.

Conclusion: I have mixed emotions surrounding this visit.

On one hand, we have known each other for a very long time now, and it is always nice to spend time with old friends. Add to that the fact that it’s been awhile since I’ve had sex and, well…a gal can’t live on batteries alone. On the other, it may be an incredibly awkward situation as I know he is harboring romantic ambitions towards yours truly and I am still licking fresh relationship wounds.

The situation escalated when Mr. Canada called last night to ask if he might be able to stay with me during his last few days in DC. My response…not altogether a positive one, which apparently took him by surprise. I immediately supplemented my answer with the explanation that I didn’t think it would be productive to put unnecessary pressure on a potentially volatile situation. I was looking forward to becoming reacquainted with him and I thought the task might be best accomplished in a low tension scenario as opposed to forcing an existence in the confines of my fabulous, yet compact studio apartment. A rational argument, no?

The boy acted like I took away his cotton candy and told him he was too short to ride the Ferris wheel.

I feel bad. Bad that I hurt him – and upset him. But until I see some actual, measurable improvement in his treatment of me – there’s no WAY my recently pedi'd Manolo-clad feet are leaving the ground.

I was once addicted to this ride and the adreniline, but now I know that in the end, it will probably make me sick.

Frankly,

Vive La France!

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 08:15:00 -0600

And so it begins. Date #3 post Russian (trust me - #2 is NOT worth the mention)

Ironically, I enrolled in a French class last month. The impetus for reliving my high school language experience, you ask? A pending trip to Paris with…you guessed it, the Russian. Silly me, had the brilliant idea of impressing and surprising him on said getaway with a newfound knowledge of all things Frog-ish. Fear not, dear readers. My fabulous, ever-shrinking, French-speaking ass will still be jumping across the pond later this year (my travel companion just remains….undetermined at this time. Any takers?).

Well, if nothing else, the class has proven a useful diversion over the past few weeks, deflecting thoughts of the impending holiday and the fact I will be spending Christmas and by extension, New Years, alone for roughly the 8^th year in a row (yes, do the math boys and girls – Scarlett has not had a NYE date THIS MILLENIUM). Incroyable, je sais!

The twist: one of the class tutors is rather cute (in a 33 but could still pass for 21, boy next door way) and has asked moi to a wine tasting this evening. Before you gasp in horror with visions of a European in too short pants, wafting questionable body odor with a political superiority complex yet a dire need to be rescued at the first sight of Lederhosen, let me assure you that this man is 100% American. A Midwestern boy, as a matter of fact, with a passion for Big 10 football who happens to have lived in a variety of French-speaking countries (hence the linguistic dexterity).

So another welcomed distraction – even if my thoughts will inevitably return to a certain slovak as soon as its over.

Franchement,

Do Any DC Boys Make the Grade?

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:20:00 -0600

As it appears I am not opposed to taking my newfound freedom out for a spin, while awaiting the Russian’s return from emotional Siberia, Barbie #3 has found and adapted the following questionnaire for any prospective suitors of your Scarlett. We have found the following quiz most hillarious and effective, lest we unwittingly agree to be seen in public with any of the following:

"Asshat, asshole, dickhead, alcoholic, workaholic, sexaholic (unless...), commitment phobic, person with girlfriend or wife, misogynist, megalomaniac, chauvinist, emotional fuckwit, freeloader or pervert."

_______________________________________________________

1. What makes you think you're good enough for our Scarlett?

2. Have you ever been engaged/married?

3. (If you answered “yes” to #2.) Do you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and that you have completed the requisite amount of alone time/therapy/yoga/meditation/sowing oats of the wild variety – to allow you fairly enter into a long-term, healthy and meaningful relationship?

4. Can you last longer than five minutes in the sack? Without sexual enhancements or aides.

5. Do you know what "ED" stands for?

6. What is your definition of a thoughtful gesture?
(letting her have the last sip of your beer should not qualify - neither does turning to face away from her during flatulence)

7. How big are your feet?

8. What is your idea of spontaneous?

9. Do you frequently have fears of commitment and experience bouts of inexplicable needs of SPACE, an angst which moving furniture or standing alone at the Grand Canyon will not sufficiently quench?

10. (If you answered “yes” to #9.) Please discuss, in detail, how these feelings will in no way derail your relationship or make your girlfriend cry.

11. Are diamonds a girl's best friend, or is chocolate? Please compare/contrast, and state why you feel that both of these elements should be prominent in any decent relationship.

12. You significant other's mother is in town for one night only and it would be your first time to meet her. Coincidentally, your favorite sports team has a game televised and you have been looking forward to it for days. You can only choose one. What do you choose, and why?

13. Your girlfriend makes a comment on how unflattering another girl at the bar looks. Do you:
a) reply with "what girl?"
b) Agree and mention two reasons why your girlfriend's attire is way better
c) Chug what's left of your beer and say "What, babe? You need another?"

14. Your mother has a key to your house and frequently lets herself in, knowing full-well you have adult company. Do you:
a) get up because your mother wants to make you breakfast
b) tell your mother it's inappropriate and you will talk to her later
c) immediately ask for the key back

15. You're grocery shopping together and girlfriend stops in the salad dressing section and says, "My thighs are getting bigger - do you think I should get the 'light' dressing?" Do you:
a) Run for the exit.
b) Look her up and down and hesitate?
c) Before she finishes her sentence cut her off and tell her how beautiful she is?

16. A woman's mothers looks are a good determination of what she will look like when she's older. True or False?

17. Your girlfriend is fighting with her mother and starts cutting her up (uttering all sorts of true but disrespectful slurs). Do you chime in and join her, or defend her mother? What is the best course of action?

18. Is a painting of dancing teddy bears in masculine colors a good choice of artwork for your house? Why, or why not?

19. Your mother brings you childhood ornaments you decorated as a child. She has kept them all these years and lovingly puts them on her tree. She's now willing to part with them. Do you:
a) put them on your tree, proud to display them, as hideous as your red/green distorted clay handprint looks
b) tell your mother you would probably damage them; it's best tradition is kept and she keeps them on her tree
c) keep them in boxes; you're a big boy now

20. Do you consider neon beer signs as proper house decor?

21. How do you choose a good wine? Based on price, label, or colour?

22. Your lady calls you from the other room - there's a mouse in the kitchen! How do you react?

23. Scarlett has decided to paint her apartment. Do you:
a) Tell her you'll be busy washing your hair that day?
b) Offer to help out?
c) Take the brush from her hand, and send her off to get her nails painted?
d) Hire a painter (cute man sans shirt with muscles and hairless upper body`), buy a blender and mix up a pitcher of margaritas and set up a lounge chair in the apartment - while you go off golfing for the day?

24. Fill in the blank: Hitting on a girl's sister is ________.

25. If you found the “perfect girlfriend” would you:

a) Take a ‘break’ so that you could fulfill your ever present need to still see what else is out there

b) Cheat on her in order to make sure she’s ‘the one’

c) Realize how very lucky you are and do everything you possibly can to keep her happy and in your life?

How to Get Through Christmas and New Year's Even When You're Single and Unloved by Anybody Except for Your Parents

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:05:51 -0600

Just because I am in the throws of emotional turmoil and therefore cannot come up with anything remotely clever and/or worth reading on my own…..

I would like to repost the following blurb because…well…it spoke to me in an odd, twisted way. Many thanks to Ha Ha Sound over at “Lunch Hour Pops”.

Frankly,

How to Get Through Christmas and New Year's Eve When You're Single and Unloved by Anybody Except for Your Parents

While the glut of holiday parties has already peaked for you or will sometime within the next few days, you still have two holiday landmines ahead of you. Christmas and New Year's Eve still beckon, and the first of those is only a week away.

And despite being highly educated, better looking than any of your other relatives, and a sophisticated and cultured New Yorker, you’re single. Every one of your relatives has a spouse. And possibly children. Even that weird annoying cousin of yours who thinks that George W. Bush is doing a great job, and that the cause of the immigration problem sweeping our country is the fact that abortion is legal.

How did this great injustice happen? And how can you avoid feeling like the odd person out at your big upcoming family celebration on Christmas Eve and Christmas? And at that New Year’s Eve party that you’ve been invited to?

As to how you found yourself in this predicament, well I can only tell you that it’s entirely your own fault. If you’re a guy, your romantic past is likely filled with wonderful women whom you were unable to commit to because you wanted to hold out for somebody better. Your constantly roving eye got the better of you. And now you have to pay the price.

If you’re a woman, it’s probably because you wouldn’t shut up about either children, marriage or where this relationship is going. I mean, really. If you want the relationship to go somewhere, take it there. Men are mostly afraid of not having sex and being forced to cook their own dinner. When one has a girlfriend, they can either eat out or offer to do the dishes in exchange for being cooked for. Problem solved. If you want to get married, just offer to quit your job and spend all day in the kitchen. Nothing says potential future wife more than being clingy and offering to make your life subservient to his.

But let’s not linger on the past. Sure, your parents will be surprised if you show up to Christmas Eve with somebody they’ve never heard mentioned before, but they’ll be so happy that there’s a chance you might have children before they die that they’ll be willing to overlook this odd situation. And when your mother asks you how you met your significant other when you’re talking on the phone a week later, just say you met at a bookstore. Or friends set you up. Nobody really cares, anyway.

But how to find somebody with only a week remaining? Let’s look at a few different options:

1) Hit on all of your platonic friends of the opposite sex. Or the same sex, if you’re homosexual. Sure, you’re bound to lose a few close friends and potentially find yourself waking up next to somebody you’re not really thrilled about, but let’s keep sight of our priorities here. Besides, people really like it when their opposite sex buddies make uninvited drunken passes at them. And if you’re thinking, well, this would never work because if we were meant to be, then it would’ve happened organically, that’s only because you never threw yourself shamelessly at them. And if you’re worried about ending up with somebody you’re not attracted to, don’t worry. It’s just a little preview of what marriage will be like after five years. Besides, just dump him/her after New Year’s Eve, anyway. This will ensure that you have somebody to kiss at midnight. Just close your eyes and imagine that you’re making out with somebody else.

One piece of advice: go for somebody who just got out of a serious relationship. The holidays make people especially emotionally vulnerable, and someone getting over a breakup is already confused and suffering from self-esteem problems.

2) Call or text message all of your ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. This works especially well late at night, when you’re drunk and in that vague place between being horny and just wanting to go to sleep. Nothing says future girlfriend to a guy like a woman who sends him a salacious text message at 2:00 a.m. Besides, bargaining always works. Offer to show him your boobs if he’ll come to Christmas dinner with you. He’ll have a newfound respect for you.

As for guys, it works the same way. Women are always extremely impressed with men who send text messages late at night asking, what are you up to? Want to come over? This shows them that you’re thinking of them, and they’ll blush with romantic longing. Asking for oral sex in an explicit manner is also highly recommended. Women like men who are go-getters, and this shows that you’re not afraid to ask for what you want.

The beauty of this method is that there’s probably anywhere between four and eight people that you can shoot for. Just keep at it until you find somebody who responds positively. Start with your most recent ex-es, and work your way down ending with people you’re no longer in touch with. If you only broke up with somebody a few months ago, they’re most likely still thinking about you. If it’s somebody you dated back in high school, they’ll be so happy to hear from you that they’ll be bowled over. Besides, you’ll have something to chuckle about at your upcoming reunion.

3) The Internet. If you’re Christian, make a J-Date profile. Give yourself some kind of headline like, I’ll Save You From Burning in Hell Forever. Jews will contact you like there’s no tomorrow. Besides, they’re just going to be heading to Chinese food and a movie, anyway. You’re actually doing them a favor. And be sure to mention something about their having killed Christ in your profile. Everybody loves a good borderline offensive religious joke.

Another good option is Nerve.com, the dating site for bitter, artistically-inclined people. Most likely, they’ve moved to NYC from somewhere in the Midwest and can’t afford to fly home for the holidays, anyway. Swoop in, and victory shall be yours.

Good luck!! Let me know how it works out for you.

Coming Tomorrow: How to Buy Gifts for That Person You’ve Only Been Dating for Three Weeks and/or the Significant Other You’re Planning on Breaking Up With as Soon as the Holidays Are Over.

Back in the Saddle

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:18:35 -0600

Ok, so the good news (sorry to keep you in such suspense). I have a date tonight. And not some blind, potentially disastrous, I have to do this to prove I’m moving on with my life and I’d much rather be at home crying with a bottle of wine and my cats - kind of date. A guaranteed to have a wonderful time and fabulous conversation with an absolutely gorgeous man – kind of date.

We shall call him the Golfer (because on our first date over 2 years ago, he took me golfing, then we drank beer and played pool, had dinner, etc.).

Anyways, I have a ‘function’ this evening, the invitation said ‘And Guest’. So, in a rare flash of Scarlett brilliance, I decided to invite the cutest single man I know – (and was SO glad I hadn’t deleted him from my phone!). He’s 6’3, blonde, amazing blue eyes, and a smile that could melt butter with dimples to match. He’s like the anti-Russian…just as handsome, only blonde.

So I took my lost-a-dress-size-and-an-extra-7-pounds-since-Thanksgiving fabulous self out for a little retail therapy last evening and found the MOST fabulous, festive, little red slip dress to wear. Dinner, drinks and Opera – should be very fun. It’s the most ME I’ve been in weeks.

Frankly, the Russian may be able to keep me from being happy – but he can’t stop me from having fun!

Yours,

Stalker Material

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 15:58:00 -0600

Writing seems to be a bit like exercise. If you don’t do it every day or at least with some regularity your stamina, flexibility and strength begin to wain a bit it seems. In the case of writing, I think creative ideas, personal expression, and general discipline tend to all fall victim to the inactivity of my keyboard and loose out to IM’ing and looking for incredibly expensive shoes I cannot afford to buy.

Not that I’m ‘waining’ necessarily but I find it a bit less pressing to fill my blog with content now that it is passworded. I am eagerly awaiting the completion of “The Scarlett Letters” and as much as this blog is/was dedicated to life as a redhead, reds in the news, and general redheaded fabulousness – because I was well advised to leave the redhead thing behind, The Scarlett Letters will be devoted to difficult women. Women who are vilified in some way, difficult to deal with in all their feistiness, and in general punished for their outspokenness. I’m sure I’ll have pleanty of material to work with.

In other news: I have a date tomorrow night. A date. I met him while out with HP after the Blogger happy hour (which was great btw). Crazy times always seem to ensue when HP is present :) He was very nice, told me I was beautiful, blah blah blah. I think it was the redheaded sluts back at Macky's but I gave him my number. He texted me on monday to say that he was watching the wizard of oz and i reminded him of dorothy (since that is my favorite movie of all time and he had no way of knowing this...well it was quite the compliment). He called me monday night and we chatted and he said 'i haven't been nervous calling a girl since i was 15 but I was nervous calling you.' (kinda dorky but sweet).

Anyway, he's a trader in NYC and he is flying down here for the sole purpose of taking me to the movies and dinner tomorrow night. Yes. he bought a plane ticket and is staying at a hotel and taking me out. He also said he got me something. Does this have stalker written all over it? I'm also mildly guilty. With the Canadian in the picture and all. I CAN go on dates, we have an open dating policy....can't explain it. I also don't know if I feel really ready to date again yet. He was just so sweet...I couldn't say no. It doesnt mean I need to have a relationship with him...it's just one night... ok i'm rambling now and the nyquill is kicking in. sweet dreams.

Marilyn Merlot

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 14:44:00 -0500

Ok – right now all I’ve got is randomness from this weekend:

Apparently I started Red Family WWIII. Parents are mad…Baby Sis is mad….Oy! Talked to Princess….she said Baby Sis wouldn’t would get over it, that she has no reason to be mad, and that the whole situation will blow over. So I feel a bit better about that.

*****************

The Professor did indeed txt me on Friday night. The conversation went something like this:

Professor: Are you having fun on your date?

S: I’m having a great time – and I never said it was a date

Professor: Where are you at?

S: Biddys in Dupont – come out!

Professor: Call me when you’re ready to go home, I’ll pick you up

S: Thanks, but I can make it by myself. Feel free to come out though and have a drink!

Professor: Sorry, I don’t chase

S: That’s funny….neither do I!

And then this little exchange Sunday afternoon:

Professor: HI

S: Sup?

Professor: You were being a cock tease on Friday

S: Well, seeing as how I had no interest in your cock on Friday or any other day, I hardly see the point in teasing it

Professor: …[silence]….

I personally enjoyed that last reply. I actually think it shut him up! Woo Hoo!

******************

I received a fantastic gift from Barbie #1! A bottle of 1994 “Marilyn Merlot”!

HOW FUN IS THIS??

Did you know that Ms. Monroe was a natural redhead??

But that’s not the reason I adore her. I'd love her even if she were a natural blonde! Perhaps that’s the reason I have such a fondness for fire engine red lipstick!

I will never open this bottle of wine – or if I do…it’ll be a damn good reason, like my 50th birthday, or my first cosmetic operation (jk)

Why Men Love Bitches

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 14:57:00 -0500

It's True. Men love bitches. AA240_SCLZZZZZZZ.jpg" border="0" alt="" />

A phenomoneon I’ve long suspected but never really had the chance to explore. There are books devoted to this subject. I must confess one of these little self-help gems is on the floor next to my bed. Great advice, however, I find that when I like a guy, I can't HELP but be nice...accomodating...which leads to me being COMPLETELY taken for granted.

But it's AMAZING how easy being a bitch comes to me #1. while i'm working. #2. when I'm NOT ineterested in the particular guy and #3. when I'm on a self-proclaimed dating hiatus. SO I engaged in the following txt exchange not with the alterior motives suggested in the afore mentioned non-fiction, just under fircumstances #1-3. I inadvertantly tested this theory and good god - the nice thing is overrated.

Background: This is a man (The Professor) who I briefly fooled around with when I first moved here. So I was 22, he was 27ish. We never did much outside of his apartment, I started to get attached, wanted to date, he wanted someone older (i.e. not me), we stopped chatting. Then the acquaintence was accidentially renewed when ran into eachother (he was teaching at the grad school I was attending)…and I had this teacher fantasy….blah blah blah. Again, it didnt end in a dating scenario.

ANYWAYS I have not seen this man in about 2 years but apparently I Imd him Friday night at 4 a.m. (I think I Imd everyone at 4 a.m.) So he’s been txting me. I should also mention that #1. I gave up the f*ck-buddy/friends w/ benefits scenario a looong time ago. #2. I have since dated MUCH cuter, smarter, and sexier boys…I have upgraded…I’m over it.

After blowing him off for a few days, here are excerpts from our exchange (with obvious translations and interpretations):

Hi

Sup?

How is the hottest girl in DC?

Fine - when did I win THAT contest? (oh PULAH-EESE)

Confirmed bachelors of DC took a poll (at least he's creative)

Great - nice to know I'm loved (eye roll)

Whatcha up to?

Good! Busy. Working. (i.e. hello – I’m annoyed, talk to me later. ) Y

ou work too much - And don’t spend enough time keeping me entertained at work

no time (stop making my phone vibrate!)

You should call me this weekend if you’re bored

I’m seldom bored – so you’ll have to give me another reason Call me if you want me to XXXXXX (edited to keep this blog at least rated PG-13 minimum)

Haha! I rarely call men but if would like to take me out, I’m free next week (i.e. I will NOT be your booty call, because I’m fabulous and you... not so much – so if you want to hang out with me there should at least be dinner involved. HEY a girl’s gotta eat!)

I am leaving on Sunday for a trip

Well Have Fun! (yea! Conversation over?)

Wow you’re passing on this weekend that quickly? (persistant little bastard)

I don’t have time for you to take me out this weekend

Shame, I miss you (since when do you even THINK about me? Ohhh…since I started not caring?)

I’m sorry – just booked we’ll do something when you get back

Oh well - When you get done with your lame date on Friday night then call me

Who said it was a date? And I don’t call men (I have a date…with a group of girls and a martini the size of my face...not that he needs this detail)

Expect a call from me

Um…Ok – can’t promise I’ll answer, or meet up…(just being honest)

I’ll be convincing

Cant wait (should be good bloging material if nothing else)

Where are you going out?

Dupont

Very nice, I’ll be sure to be by to pick you up when you start to yawn

Uh huh (who are you? I’m sure I’ll be albe to get back to my apartment fine by myself)

Yawn? Who says I’ll be sleepy?

Oh I know you won’t those yawns will be to make him go home early. Just send him to a markup vote when you get bored (making fun of the fact that I once dated an elected official)

Haha – we’ll see

We shall – I hope you wear something fun

Ur getting ahead of yourself

I’m trying to help you on your date

Well thank you, Yenta

My pleasure

Good lord. Should be interesting to see if he does in fact try to hook up with me tonight. Don't worry, I am in NO danger whatsoever of being seduced by the Professor.

But why is this? Why do men ALWAYS want what they cant have? Be nice to a guy and he takes you for granted, gets bored, and you eventaully break up. Be mean, bitchy, and uninterested and he'll chase you until you get a restraining order or sprain your ankle...whichever comes first. And then men complain about girls being bitches!!! You drive us to it, boys! We're not born like this naturally - we're NICE we WANT to do nice things we WANT to show affection WITHOUT it coming back to bite us in the ass! Ugh - maybe that's my problem. I just need to be in bitch mode 24/7 - after all, I do it very well.

Ya'll have a GREAT weekend!

And the Winner Is...

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 21:39:00 -0500

I was out this weekend and ran into a couple of people that I had met at the military academy happy hour with WPB a couple of weeks ago.

She’s a nurse on Capitol Hill, (we will refer to her as RN) engaged, and utterly fabulous – I felt bad that I had not emailed her. So I’m walking past their table, this girl grabs my arm and says “it’s you!”. (took me a minute) “it’s YOU!” (keep in mind we’re both thoroughly plastered at this point so our little reunion was uber-jovial).

After introductions to sets of friends she and her fiancé ask, is WPB with you? Oh…no….that’s sooo over (sounding much more upbeat about it than I actually was).

“Oh good! Because we can’t stand him!? “ “What? I thought ya’ll were friends!” “Hell, no! We were there because of [insert the name of WPB’s friend]. We were wondering how the hell that moron got a fabulous girl like you!”

[Side note: I have actually shown a great deal of self restraint in not blogging much about WPB – for the simple fact that apparently he is the subject of more than one blog in the DC area, and so I have chosen not to give him the sick satisfaction…until now apparently]

“Well, thanks…” Feeling very validated and fabulous, I took a sip of my Vodka Gimlet “You didn’t really have a threesome that night, did you?” Choking on the Vodka Gimlet “Excuse me”? “He told us that he was going to try to have a threesome with you and your friend” “HE WHAT?? NO – NO – NO we ABSOLUTELY did Not” (we had a lovely two-some for about 14 hours, I thought to myself. Which made me even MORE mad that I had gone home with this man after he had said this awful thing of which I was unaware). Cue stereotypical redheaded temper

So – I’m pretty sure my face matched my hair at this point. I was livid. Not only for the fact that he thought I would do this but because it was so disrespectful to ME in front of relative strangers! That’s just not cool. I collected myself said “excuse me” and sent three text messages in rapid succession to the WPB, who’s number was STILL in my phone.

Txt 1: U r an ass – can’t tell you how much

Txt 2: Where do you get off thinking you can treat women this way??

Txt 3: I hope you catch something contagious and itchy!!

Granted, not the most eloquent set of messages, but it WAS 2 a.m. and I was quite drunk. The next morning I woke up, rather opened my eyes and moaned not only because of my pounding headache, but I remembered, uugghhh I can’t BELIEVE I Texted him. Can’t BELIEVE I let him know that he got to me, affected me in any way I can’t BELIVE I’m ending our communication sounding like the crazy, drunk girl (that perhaps I am) because you KNOW he’s never going to talk to me again. And I eventually blow it off because, who cares if I ever talk to him again?

So imagine my surprise when I received the following email from WPB this evening:

“..[I am] no good at making excuses, so I won't try. Not sure what you've heard, or where, or from who, but chances are some of it's true. Regardless, I owe you an apology. So for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I understand that you probably hate me though.”

Wow – gotta say that surprised me. So while, he is far from forgiven, and as good as our cough time together cough was…I would never consider having um...coffee ...with him again. But good for you, WPB for stepping up and apologizing. I appreciate and accept it.

At least this latest episode has helped me definitely give closure to the situation. Not that I’ve been pining away, but I wasn’t quite ready to end it when it did.

Frankly,