The Scarlett Letters - The Breakup Files

Hardball

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 08:49:00 -0600

Dear Fuckhead:

So its come to this. It's sad really, but apparently necessary given the fact that you obviously can't respect my repeated requests to leave me the fuck alone!

You're the one who chose to take yourself out of my life. For once in your underachieving, maturity stunted, drug laced life – own the decision you made and kindly leave me be.

I’ve asked you nicely, I've asked your forcefully to stay out of my life and off my blog. Sadly, you have chosen, in your characteristically narcissistic and selfish manner, to ignore my requests. This begs the question - why?

The only conclusion I can reach is that in your mind, your visits are some twisted sort of compassionate, altruistic attempt to insure that your absence hasn’t yet led to a ritualistic slitting of my wrists. Please do not confuse me with your mentally unstable ex-wife. I am beyond fine and also, unlike your ex-wife, I do not and never will want you back. (Damn it feels good to say that and TRULY mean it).

This is the last time I will ask you – stay out of my life - stay off my blog. My thoughts and my life should no longer be of any interest to you. If you choose to continue to ignore this request, simply put: there will be consequences. I know you're somewhat unfamiliar with that concept, so put down your bong and pay close attention:

If I see you trolling my site again, the next email I send will be to your girlfriend asking her to please tell her boyfriend to stop harassing me. I'm sure she'd love to know with what a regular interest you take in your ex-girlfriend’s life. I know I would. Let's get her opinion on this, shall we?

I will then post her name along with photos and proceed to conduct a worldwide poll of my readers as to whether or not she does, indeed look like a man. I’m predicting a favorable outcome.

So, Fuckhead please wave one last goodbye as I hope to never see you here again. And even though the knowledge that you more likely than not, will choose to continue to violate my privacy, I hope whatever feelings you have for the current "love of your life" (ya know, its truly amazing how generic you really are) will make you think twice.

If you do not, in fact, know me well enough not to doubt my sincerity I have three little words for you: Just try me.

Goodbye,

I Want to Light a Candle

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:27:20 -0600

Do you believe in Love?

Real love? True love? The kind of love that makes all things possible and makes the world seem exciting again? The kind of love that makes you so happy that you could burst into tears at any moment? Where your face hurts from smiling and all the questions and doubt fade from your mind because you just know, in your soul, that this is right, this was the way that things were meant to be and that every hurt and struggle that you’ve gone through is all a small price to pay because it brought you to this point?

Its hard for me to even type that paragraph, let alone read to back to myself without a lump pressing urgently at my throat or the acrid blurring outlining my line of sight.

I know this type of love is possible – but I don’t BELIEVE in it…anymore. I don’t believe in its impenetrability or that it lasts forever.

I WANT to be that wide-eyed, optimistic girl again who believes in happy endings and that kind of love is possible again – but then again, I think that NOTHING is worth the pain I went through last year. NOTHING.

So I’m scared. I’m scared to meet new people or to make myself vulnerable again. I’m scared to “get out there” and date because of what I not find – or even worse, what if I find it? I’m scared to let myself be happy again.

I do WANT to be happy – everyone WANTS to be happy, right? But I found myself doing this a lot with Army – every time I even get that hint of happiness, that moment of butterflies or a touch of …. contentment (?) I stop. I pull back. I reign in. I can’t let go. I make sure that just in case I’m suddenly ambushed by sudden and utter indifference that I won’t be left in a complete state of emotional paralysis.

Recently heard an old proverb – that its better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. I do believe that, but what if that light inevitably goes out…?

Most of my friends would not describe me as timid or scared – quite the opposite, in fact. Yet, I am at a loss as to how I light that candle and still shield myself against the darkness, just in case the flame goes out? Is there some sort of emergency lighting system I can install in the event of candle failure?

Frankly, I still feel broken.

Intoxicated by my own tear's soul
And come tomorrow
When my beauty is old
Like a speckled princess
I'll try to cash in clovers for gold
So I'll light a candle and begin to
Write, turn to my work as refuge
Though my womb is a rush hour taxi
Ride, but I will try
To metamorphose pain along my plight
But I'll despise each word I write
So I am clinging to the
Edge like some soap-opera star
With her ten second fade
As the light cascades

~ Idina Menzel, "Straw Into Gold"

To Russia, With Love?

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 09:35:38 -0600

Dear Russian:

I love you. Words cannot say how much. I loved you enough to let you go when you asked me to. Please love me enough now to do the same.

I’m sorry, but I’m just not strong enough to live in this limbo – to be your friend when I want a life together. I can no longer pretend to be on your side when I have such anger, bitterness and hate to swallow.

And I can’t wait here for you to figure out what’s right when I already have the answer. And I refuse to be your rehab center – to cushion your fall. To be there whenever you need a ‘fix’ because you selfishly miss me.

Ignoring my request to not speak to you until your birthday…and contacting me a 1 a.m. the morning before I had to go to work…selfish. Having sex with me and immediately after, breaking up with me, the day before Thanksgiving…at your PARENTS house, when I had no way back to DC until SUNDAY!? Selfish. Telling me about the girl you asked out on a date to make yourself feel better, selfish. And now turning to me whenever you need your ‘best friend’. Selfish.

I’m done. And you can be selfish all on your own.

Goodbye,

You and Me and the Bottle Makes...Oh...Right...You're Not Here

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:18:16 -0600

While drinking a bottle of red,...i just had to write that line.

Still sad.

Is this fucking nightmare over yet?

Strong Enough

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 18:59:40 -0600

I can’t do this.

He’s dating. He’s dating Melissa. Flat cheasted, 5’1, new mexico native Melissa.

I went on Match.com today. Started looking at profiles. – But I don’t know if I can do this.

I told him today I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. We’re not talking for two weeks or so.

I’m sad.

Just sad.

I want my life back. I want to be happy. Please just let me stop crying.

Obsess Much??

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 17:22:31 -0600

(or – why Instant Messenger is the Devil)

I’m going back and forth between bouts of completely loosing it and sanity. Unfortunately my obsessive, compulsive, self destructive tendencies are out in FULL force.

I’m checking my MSN messenger compulsively to see if he’s online – I block him so he can’t see me….then I unblock him in case he wants to talk to me…then he doesn’t talk to me, and I obsess over the fact that he’s been online for 2 hours and hasn’t IM’d me. I resist the urge to IM him to say ‘how’s your day going?’ or some other such excuse for communication. And then I block him again, so I won’t wonder why he hasn’t IM’d me. And then I unblock him in case he wants to talk to me….the cycle continues ad infinitum.

Then I turn off my cell phone ringer so I won’t answer the phone if he calls. But then I check the phone every 5 minutes to see if he’s called.

I’m exhausting myself, I tell you!

And fuckhead STILL hasn’t messaged me! I guess its time to block him again….

Between 'I love you' and 'Goodbye'

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 11:52:38 -0600

First of all, I’d like to admit that I am full of shit. I looked at yesterday’s entry and thought ‘what the bloody hell was I talking about!?’ I don’t believe it’s necessary to go out and sleep with other people in order to achieve one’s SPACE.

Space and perspective can be easily achieved while knowing that you’re already with the one you want to be with. It’s such bullshit.

I’m obviously transitioning from feelings of hurt, pain and love – to ones of doubt and anger. Doubtful we’ll ever get passed this, doubt as to whether or not I want to, and anger ant the situation and the way he handled it. Which he has since apologized for – but there’s a large part of me that doesn’t think I’ll be able to trust him again – or that I’ll ever feel safe with him.

It also makes me angry because our relationship was so GOOD! While cleaning my apartment last night I ran across a Valentines Day card he had bought for me listing all the reasons he loved me and loved our relationship. I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. How dare he so casually destroy such a rare and wonderful love! It was truly the kind of love and the kind of relationship you wait a lifetime hoping to find. And he’s tossing it aside for something else nowhere near as important or precious.

And THAT makes me sad. It makes me sad for myself doubting that I will find anything resembling that kind of connection again. That anything after this point will be settling for something less – something that might turn out to be healthy and loving and wonderful….but still less.

But ultimately it’s apparently not my decision and if I ever want to be happy again (which I’m not quite ready to be) then I’ll have to revert to depending on myself for it – which I never should have stopped doing in the first place. And so lesson learned. It’s just that I don’t want to learn this lesson – and I don’t want to have to apply it in the future. I loved our life together. And I loved feeling safe. And I still feel like a part of me is missing….

There's a fine, fine line...

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:50:43 -0600

I understand it….but I don’t have to like it.

We talked last night – and I think I better understand what he’s doing. He’s taking time out for himself and figuring out what he wants and needs independent of anyone else. And the ‘seeing other people’ thing is only about 10% of that – he wanted to make it clear what he meant by ‘space’.

I cried last night. After we got off the phone. And continued to cry until the Ambien took over.

But its ok, I’m ok – this particular 5 minutes at any rate.

The up-side in all of this is that im down 5 pounds since Thanksgiving – apparently misery agrees with me.